How mornings are

You know, I was never a morning person and probably never will be. When I wake up, I am (most of time) never grumpy. I love waking up and seeing kids sleeping or just waking up. They dont wake up angry. They'd wake up and smile at you. Just melts your heart. Their faces will be swollen from sleep and they'll smell musky. I love the smell of their massam-ness in the morning. 

Of course this moment of bliss lasts five minutes cos the boy is grabbing whatever on the bedside table and breaking them.

Then after causing chaos, he'll come to me for his morning "coffee". Aw. My sweet sweet baby. 

Blast from the past

The funniest thing happened. It is 2am in the morning and I suddenly remembered abt this blog. So I thought I'd go in and see if it was still up and tadah! It was. I read a few of the old blog posts. Took me awhile to figure things out like updating the outdated profile and here I am. 

I think the last time I posted was 2011. It's been 4 years man. Reading back the old posts makes me feel so old. Lol. And in a way it reminds me that I am still that crazy girl I was back then, only now I dont show it much. Also shows how forgetful I am now. I cant even rmbr the proper font colour. Nvm. I'll start anew.

Just an update, fast forward to the present. I have two babies already. One is gonna be 4 soon and the other just celebrated his first in Feb. Motherhood has been crazy but I am coping with the baby daddy. Heh.

That's all for today. Till the next time. 

I know i cannot buy branded bags, shoes or clothes at a heartbeat or happily go for holidays anytime i feel like it because i always have other things

today marks the first week we are away from each other. it wasnt easy.

u know, sometimes having a reminder or two helps us all to appreciate what we have in life..lately i find that i've been dissatisfied with hima and all of his stubborness..talked to him and all but things were just the same way..

then i stumbled upon a cousin of his who lost her bf..i think he died but i'm not sure how..and that brought tears to my eyes..cos u couldnt tell she was feeling sad at all..i met her a few times and always she'd be smiling..go to her fb and in all the pictures she'd be smiling..who knew she'd lost someone so dear to her..and to think that she can live on after that and even go out and have fun with her gfs and smile, that is like wow..

then i tried to put myself in her shoes..i think i'd be a wreck..i'd forget how to smile, i'd forget how to live and be human if i'd lost what she did..

then i got reminded again, that life is fragile..and that i could lose anyone i love anytime or they could lose me too..then i rmbr that i should be thankful that i have him, for now, even though he's as imperfect as me, because i'd never know when that day will come when either one of us is not here anymore..

it's very upsetting when faced with reality.i'm getting stressed out abt the whole affair. and i'm not the kind who gets stressed out easily. i wish i was richer. i cant even think up of any wishful thinking.everytime i try to imagine how easy it would be if i were rich, my mind automatically blocks that out.

so there goes my wishful thinking. or daydreaming abt having things the easy way.

and the fact that someday, sooner or later, i'd have to go somewhere else and stay, is weighing down on me.i feel like walking on eggshells all day long, everyday.

and he isnt helping things any further.he's so stubborn sometimes, i forget which one of us is more stubborn.

i guess i'm tired. of arguing, of having doubts and worrying abt money (or the lack of). i just wish that things were simpler.

the hopelessness sank in immediately, taking root into the core of my being, manifesting itself as i struggle to gain control. it enveloped me as i struggle to breathe thru my lungs, cutting out my air supply and choking me.

then i sank into the deepest black and i was blinded by the black sea of hopelessness.i was too tired to struggle any further and i let it seep into my skin, right down to my bones. i breathe out the last of the air in my lungs and collapse into tears.

there's nowhere far away for me. cause wherever i go, i'll always be there, were my last thought before i black out.

yeap, that was how hopelessness felt. my stay has been long overdue.

just when i tot i can settle, i have to leave.