i saw the encore of miss singapore universe. it's funny how they can stand on stage half naked and still smile. if it were me, i'd be in a pissy mood man. and when they announced the winner, i had a laugh. they were asking stupid qns like which one of the two left would be crowned. it's funny, cos they shld be asking instead, which ugly one wld win! and wat's all the hoohah abt man? they both look the same to me.

and i've proved myself more than once that i'm psychic.

and pls stop trying to run me over.

i almost didnt make it to work in one piece today. why? cos of all those mofos on the road. drivers, pls la keep in ur fucking lane man. and dont switch lane rapidly balls. and for goodness sake, check ur fucking blindspot. wat the hell is the point of ur instructors teaching u that if ur not going to practice it. there are motorists u know, not just u fucking cars using the road.

and pedestrians, if i hit u, it's ur stupid fault for not looking out for traffic. didnt ur mom teach u to look left, right then left? stupid idiots, i tell ya!

of course my selet-ing skills have improved. but that doesnt mean i wont try to fucking run u over. haha!

oh yes, happy 26th!

i dont understand why she'd cry. i mean, i'm sure she doesnt know that i know. i think she must gave guessed i'm mad at her abt something. thats why i stopped talking to them. but he just doesnt seem to get it. oh well.

you can see it's lunch time. the office is empty. so is my stomach and heart. i am hungry but i dont have any mood or drive to go eat. so i stay here alone.

it wasn't i miss you, neither was it pardon me. it was love hurts that caught my attention. I've heard this somewhere before in my past. and it rekindled melodramatic feelings. something abt that song. where have i heard it before? where damnit?

and i stopped talking abt it or to them. not like they care. i think they alrdy know why. and i think they've taken desperate measures to make me talk to them. but it's not going to work. whatever this thing is inside me is going to protect me from them. keep myself safe from them.

safe from everyone.

Just cos i'm sad doesnt mean i fought with my boyfriend. Or what is left of him.

Just cos i'm emo doesnt mean i cut my wrists.

So stop assuming people.

new skin.

shed the old one. of course lost a few things, like the other bloggers.

people who i called frens.

ar fuck it.

this is where i retreat into my cancerian shell.

pls leave me alone. everyone.

thank you.

i never thought i'd go hungry again. i thought that was all in the past. i guess i was wrong.

haiz. my lunch today was a small pack of twisties. i guess that's gd enough.

wat can i say? i've been banished to the corners of hell til i cant differentitate between friends and foes.

and if u see me laugh out loud or smile wickedly to myself, pls excuse me. it's not that i've gone mad, i'm just thinking abt the DATE. i dunno why but it gets me everytime. it's not tragic anymore, it's just plain funny. imagine that, just one month before ur date of birth. haha. u found out u were an accident. haha! u found out u were a bastard. hahaha! thats damn funny i tell ya.

oh my god, i cant stop laughing, i have twisties coming out of my nose. hahahahahahaha!!!

just a kind advice, check the year ur parents were married. make sure it's at least nine months before ur date of birth if ur the first child.

but hey, it's still damn funny.

haha!

i dun feel sorry for u cos it was ur mistake. i am ur mistake. i didnt ask to be ur mistake. u shld have just gotten rid of me while u still could. so now u have to pay the consequences of having me. well, too bad for u. i just feel sorry for myself. thats all.

but it's still so fucking funny.

haha!

i'm surprised at how patient i am being with u. yes, even i astound myself at how stupid i'm being.why is it that i was never like this before except when it came to you. one day a car will hit me cos i'll be too busy thinking abt u.i won't see the damn car and it'll fucking hit me. i swear that'll happen. and when it does, i'll have u to blame. if i'm still alive that is.

and everytime i call, i'll always reach ur mailbox. i've always reached even when i really need u.

on another note, thanks for checking up on me. i know it's a damn hard time for me but i'm trying to gather all my thoughts together. i'm trying to be as normal as possible but it's hard when u guys keep asking if i'm ok. i know ur good intentions, i can smell them. but when i need ur company, i know u'll all be there. so till then, dun worry abt me. i'll be just fine and dandy.

but for u, i wont tell u anything anymore cos ur always freaking out and backing everyone else but me.thanks for trying to help but didnt. thanks for not being there with me when ur happy. thanks for spitting on me when i'm alrdy at my lowest. i guess whatever it is ur mum said abt me is true so u dun have to feel upset abt it or defend me anymore.

and you, thanks for planting the seed of doubt in my head. i guess u were right. well, of course, ur always right, right? i dun have to tell u anything anymore right? u'll just know, just like that. right?
right.

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops sounds more tempting as each day passes by. it's like a yummy chocolate-drenched cake. slurp.

then today when i woke up, yesterday felt like the movies.

and the dream i had abt u...
it's been years since i dreamt abt u. it's giving me false hope all over again.
u held my hand, laughed and smoked. only in my deep conscience would that really happen.

haiz, he said there's a reason for eveything. why all these is happening to me. and i'm just waiting for the reason to come in mind. i just hope it's soon before i lose my mind.

on the surface, i look like how i always do. sad, jaded and emo.

but deep down it's far worse. only God knows how heartbroken i am. But God doesn't give a flying fuck abt me. Cos God is too busy making other people's lives perfect.

Geez.

Life sure has a sick sense of humor. First it taught me to love. Then it took that away and left me in the dust. Then it taught me to love again, cos hey, i tot whatever happened in the past won't happen again, right?

I mean what are the odds of someone i care abt getting married to somebody else?

Zilch to zero, right?

WRONG.

Let's just say, it's deja vu.

So then i try to pick myself up and life throws me a curve ball.

What am i going to do now? Why is it so dramatic and tragic? Why damnit?

And this is the precise reason why i don't believe in you. Yes, i'm talking to you. You ask me why i hate u, this is the reason why. Look at me and how everything around me is falling apart. And you ask why i don't believe in you. I hate you.

i dunno where to begin. u stood me up on saturday. but still i took it in. u always said that there's a reason for everything. but i see no reason why u did it. i'm not jumping to conclusions that's why i'm so confused. u could be happily talking to me and when i ask the right qns, u shut me off. u don't reply, pick up my calls and worse switch off ur phone.

there's only so much a person can tolerate and i've reached the point where i want to give up on us. i dun want to be crying myself to sleep every night thinking abt u.

i know i'm fighting a losing battle. and i know i told u i wont give u up so easily but as u pointed out, i'm at the losing end either way u make ur decision.

so i'm making it easier for u and for me. i'll do what i've always done. i'll take myself out of the picture. i'll disappear and whatever's left are memories of me.

thank you for ur time. thank you for the smiles and laugh. thank you for the letter and the lyrics. thank you for once being there for me. and most of all, thank you for loving me. even though it means nothing to u anymore.

this will be my last entry to you. i'm sorry for all the misery i've caused. know that i'll alwyas love you.

take care. goodbye.

i wish i was the ocean. neither living nor dead. calm and peaceful on the surface. but raging underneath.

i'll dig my toes into the sand. i'll look at the ocean. it'll look like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. i'll lean against the wind and pretend that i am weightless. and in that moment i'll be happy damnit.

i'd wish i wasnt there alone. i'd wish u were here.

i'll count the ufos. and signal them with my lighter. and in that moment i'll stay happy.

and when i leave, i'll forget abt u and all the things that u've done. i'll get my life straighten out.it'll work out. it'll work out.

if i say that often enough, it might just come true.

i hate it when i'm kept in the dark.

i hate it when u leave me alone with no word at all, then come back and sweep me off my feet again.

i hate it when u ignore me.

i hate it when u dun tell me the important things abt urself.

i hate it when i'm mad at u and u make things right without even knowing it.

most of all, i hate u cos i love u.

it feels like i'm having a broken heart attack.

and the migraine's creeping up again.

oh please, will someone just kill me pls. put me out of my misery.

hmmm....

nothing much to hate.

hehe. u know what that means right kids?

oh yes, that's right.