i'm surprised at how patient i am being with u. yes, even i astound myself at how stupid i'm being.why is it that i was never like this before except when it came to you. one day a car will hit me cos i'll be too busy thinking abt u.i won't see the damn car and it'll fucking hit me. i swear that'll happen. and when it does, i'll have u to blame. if i'm still alive that is.

and everytime i call, i'll always reach ur mailbox. i've always reached even when i really need u.

on another note, thanks for checking up on me. i know it's a damn hard time for me but i'm trying to gather all my thoughts together. i'm trying to be as normal as possible but it's hard when u guys keep asking if i'm ok. i know ur good intentions, i can smell them. but when i need ur company, i know u'll all be there. so till then, dun worry abt me. i'll be just fine and dandy.

but for u, i wont tell u anything anymore cos ur always freaking out and backing everyone else but me.thanks for trying to help but didnt. thanks for not being there with me when ur happy. thanks for spitting on me when i'm alrdy at my lowest. i guess whatever it is ur mum said abt me is true so u dun have to feel upset abt it or defend me anymore.

and you, thanks for planting the seed of doubt in my head. i guess u were right. well, of course, ur always right, right? i dun have to tell u anything anymore right? u'll just know, just like that. right?
right.

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops sounds more tempting as each day passes by. it's like a yummy chocolate-drenched cake. slurp.

then today when i woke up, yesterday felt like the movies.

and the dream i had abt u...
it's been years since i dreamt abt u. it's giving me false hope all over again.
u held my hand, laughed and smoked. only in my deep conscience would that really happen.

haiz, he said there's a reason for eveything. why all these is happening to me. and i'm just waiting for the reason to come in mind. i just hope it's soon before i lose my mind.