it pisses me of to read that 3 british guys made fun of the poor old trishaw uncle.

there had been a lot of response from singaporeans, defending their own. i guess i feel secure, should i ever be ridulculed, i have people to defend me.

but then, the issue was made that since they were foreigners, that's why we blew things out of proportion.

but nobody stopped to think that if a bunch of singaporeans were to bully a brit elderly, they (being the brits) would blow their tops too.

but u know wat, i won't fret abt the issue. it's not that all brits are inconsiderate bastards. just a handful of them. and that handful happened to holiday in singapore.

this incident reminded me of my own encounter with a bunch of white guys.

we were at the taxi stand, waiting for ama to catch her taxi home. there were two other groups of people ahead of her and a longer line behind her. there weren't many taxis turning into marina square taxi stand.

a couple of on-call taxis turned in, cos some people who couldnt wait that long decided to blow their cash on the expensive calls.

anyhow, i saw 4 white guys walking towards the kerb, talking and looking for a cab. mine u, the line was less than a feet from where they were standing.

i swore i thought they were waiting for the taxi taht they called, cos thats wat some people did.

and then a taxi with passenger turned in. as soon as the passengers stepped out, they made a mad dash in. of course people in front were peeved. one of the girls actually told them to get in line. but they were alrdy in it and refused to get out.

everyone else just stared daggers at them cos they felt helpless.

i was just plain annoyed. i mean, forget wat race you are. be a fucking civilized human being for god's sake.

poeple made queues just so that we can have some order in this disorderly world.

but if ur too fucking stupid to even do that, then u have an intelligence of a fucking terrapin.

that's right, ur iq has just been lowered to a terrapin's level.

of course i read abt the trishaw thing on the newpaper. i have this love hate relationship with the paper. there was particularly one article that disgusted me.

it was abt a couple whose photographer got drunk and lost their wedding photographs.

i mean what the fuck?!

ur fucking wedding photos and there's one whole fucking page for u.

they said they were traumatised. i mean come on people. i dun give a flying fuck abt ur lost photos that cost 10k. it just goes to show that u spend alot of money on wasteful things. u could have donated that money to others in third world contries and feed a whole family for 5 years at least.

but no. u had to be a fucking selfish pig and spend it on ur fucking wedding photos. wat the fuck for anyways? why are weddings so fucking special anyways?

but i digress.

i feel disgusted. to be human. to have feelings.

why can't i be a tree or flower?

oh yeah!

mcr here i come!

wohoooo!

why cant i stop thinking abt the conversation last night? i even brought it to my dreams and cos of that i woke up late.

and why cant i stop thinking abt u. i dont even know you. u scared me the first time i saw you.i know nothing can ever happen but why cant i put u aside? i'm still healing a broken heart. i dont want to do this again.

it was a lovely ride. quiet and emotional.we should do it again.


when i look into your eyes, there's nothing there to see. nothing but my own mistake staring back at me, asking why.

he suddenly popped into my head. not really sudden cos i was listening to my mp3. like really listening. hearing the songs that songs that he likes too.

and then he came to mind.

after what mum told me abt getting married and all, it got a little emotional.

the guy i almost had..

that is what kills me. the only human who would ever sincerely listen to me. and the only human i would ever listen to.

why did u have to be so perfect?

why oh why?

i scared myself when i realised what i had tried to do when i lost him. i still couldnt believe i was going to do that for another human being. but if the occasion calls for it, i'd do it again. but just for him.

i wonder if he rmbrs me. our conversations. our jokes. my drean abt the ocean turning into a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.

i scared myself even more when i realised i want to wait for him. cos i'm willing to.

cos he's definitely worth it.

and as if the drama wasn't enough, mom told me to get married when i turn 21.

lol.

i have abt 8 months left then.

so til then, if any of u have a suitor in mind, lemme know. that'll be just peachy.

my jaw hurts from all the yawning.

sleep, where art thou?

I don’t want to physically talk abt it. It’s so useless. That’s why.

Now i need to get a place of my own. Give it a name, home maybe? How it hurts to know and even guess that the people i see all around are going home. Home. How come it’s so hard for me to even get that.

I am not welcomed here anymore. I thought i was. I am afterall their flesh and blood. But hell, i was wrong. How did it get so wrong?

Why is she more welcomed to stay here than i am? She’s not even family. Not yet anway.

Mom spelt it out to me. They don’t love me anymore and that hurt me like fuck. U don’t tell someone something like that. Then she told me that her husband has a place on “standby” for me. But she told me to BEHAVE myself.
Oh yes, i have to stop wrecking havoc everywhere i go. Damnit woman.

So now i have a few options. I’m not pessimistic, so of course i have a few ideas in mind.
Option a is to take on another job, demand for more pay. That way i can still continue with school.
Option b is to marry a fucking rich guy. This is nearly impossible cos i cant even get a fucking decent one.
Option c would be to drop out (ouch! Did i hear my heart breaking?) from school. This is to ensure that i have enough to eat from day to day.
Option d, is of course as a last resort, is to just die. Yep, curl up and die.

So for now, i’m hanging on to option a. I dun want to have to slip all the way to d now, would i?

And i’m so sorry for blowing everyone who’s asking me to go for jalan raya. Not that i’m wanted anyway. But it’s just that none of u can ever go to my home. Home? Wat home? See, that’s wat i mean. Paisey la, if go to ur houses and then stop at my turn. So i rather not face the embarrassing situation. Plus i’m not in my happiest of moods to go “celebrating” and walk around in uncomfortable shoes that i blew my precious money on. i’d rather fast forever. Maybe i will have to soon. Haiz, wells.

The malay dramas are so fucking annoying. Like come on, u see someone u know lying on the floor, bleeding from the mouth with no apparent reason, what do u do?

a) U quickly call the ambulance
b) U cradle the person’s head and start crying

Of course they all chose option b. It’s logical to them. Argh, stupid motherfuckers. Even tho it’s just a damn show. And why do people watch these stupid shows? I mean, don’t they have enough drama in their own pathetic lives?

I so fucking hate them. We were supposed to watch arts central. They have them movies on every Sunday night at 10pm. But NO, they just HAVE to watch their fucking malay drama. Then that asshole stopped snoring, as if on cue, after the drama. She started complaining that there aren’t any ghosts. Like DUH. Of course they haven’t come out yet. Then he was being a smart ass by changing the channel to watch fucking SOCCER and saying that that was the ghost story, the fucking SOCCER.

ARGH. These mofos and their annoying habits. So fucking disgusting, i feel sick to my stomach. Thats the fucking reason why i lost my appetite to eat.

And the way they treat each other, hard to believe they’re actually flesh and blood. She treats him like he’s a fucking 10 year old when he’s a fucking adult. And he treats he like dirt, even though she pampers him.

It’s amazing that they’d rather watch soccer then what i wanted to watch. I’m so fucking annoyed i want to rip their lungs out. Rip their guts out, let it spill on the floor. Feel the warmth of their blood on my hands and let it soak through my clothes.

Funny i don’t have anything against the other one. And she’s not my own flesh and blood.

i cant believe they're fighting. over a misunderstanding that is now blown right out of it's proportion. do they even realise that they might lose the thing that most people would kill for? their friendship.
i dunno where mine is. what she's up to now, i dun think she is one anymore. it's not like we fought, we just drifted apart. too busy to care abt each other. i dun blame her. i dun blame myself either. cos even when we do meet, it's strained.

i'm sorry i couldnt meet u. i'm sorry ur having a tough time and i'm not there. i hope u understand. i have my demons to deal with. and u of all people know abt that.

i'm misplaced. displaced. how it hurts to see others happily with their own.

only God knows how much.