he went to see his gf last night. at her place i guess.

then today she went to see him at his workplace.

it feels like someone stabbed me in the heart.

i guess it's not meant to be.

i'm so fucking frustrated.

i cant fucking apply for the fucking bank loan cos i'm not 21 yet. and i havent paid for my fucking fees this sem.

i cant find any fucking applicant for my behalf cos no-fucking-one trusts me enough to pay the loan back.

it's not as if they'll be paying for me.

i'll be fucking paying for it. u know, the fucking reason i'm working like a fucking dog.

ARGH.

what does the dream mean?

nothing.

why did i dream it?

cos i'm going to die soon.

so long eveyone.

i'm still thinking of that dream. and it's seriously messing my head. i cant do anything abt it. he's got someone. but i cant help myself.

but he's got someone.

why did i have that dream?

sigh.

a few months or years, i dunno when, i had a dream. of course i kinda forgotten abt that dream. i was somewhere in a park. and there was a guy with me. behind him was a lighted building. cos his back was turned towards the light, i couldnt see his face cos it was in the shadows. i had my elbow on my knee and i tilted my head to the left, as usual, listening to him talk abt something.

of course i cant rmbr the exact convo but i rmbr the feeling. it was intense. like i was in love with him.

when i woke up, i was dazed, wondering who this guy is and if he even existed. i knew it wasnt someone i know. i dunno how i know, but i just did.

and then yesterday night, it happened.

it fucking did.

the whole time i was sitting there, it didnt hit me. it was when i tilted my head.then it hit me.

so i told him. that i dreamt of him. somebody i didnt know existed.

it was like my dream came true. so guess that made him the guy of my dreams? lol.

oh, and i dreamt of my wedding day before. so we'll just wait and see if it's true.

i'm tired.

and i'm always hungry.

does that explain enough?

ikat perut. even i know what it means.

i, of all people, know what it means.

hehehehehehehe.

i know i can't stop giggling like a little girl. i just can't help myself.

hehehehehehheheh.

but it's just that, hehehe, well, hehehe, hehehehehehe!

hehe.

oh, he's cute.

hehehehehehe.

and hehehehhe, nice.

oh stop it damnit.

but but but but...

hehehehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh.

so there, all i can do is go hehehehehehehehe.

hehe!

i hate men!

that's it. i've made up my mind.

so insensitive. they think with their dicks. that makes them a wat, dickhead?

i wish i was gay. so that i wont feel the least bit attracted to them. why do i even like them in the first place?

why does any girl (and some guys) like them at all?

idunwannabewithanyguy.idunwannabewithanyguy.idunwannbewithanyguy.idunwannabewithanyguy.idunwannabewithanyguy!

but why do wake up extra early so that i won't miss the train that he always takes?

why do i even look forward to see him again?

why do i fell that tinge of green jealousy when i seem him take intimately to her?

argh! i hate having feelings. i hate the fact that i'm so complicated and complex.

why do i get my mood swings when i keep saying i dont give a flying fuck?

once again, i wish i was a non-living thing. like a rock maybe, or a tree.